This will be a written post only. Bare with the words.
Hi. I know it have been awhile. I have been fighting war with Finals for the past months and weeks and finally it just ended on Tuesday except for one more final exam. Besides I have also been taking driving exams for the past few weeks and managing the PTPTN stuff hence all the busy-ness and stress. Life have been hectic since the first day of driving exam. The worst is, it feels worst than taking SPM. Why? The fact that if you failed one single action during the driving test, right on that spot they fail you, in a blink of an eye which I wish to CURSE when it happens ,'' you mothafaka..''
On the first time ever driving test, truth is I wasn't that nervous until I started moving the car and everything happened just to fast. Too fast that RM200 just dissapear in a blink of an eye. Went up the slope and never cross the line twice. I was angry but I shouldn't be because partly it was my fault. I was too nervous. Thankfully I passed the On the Road test. Which if I failed that too, I probably breakdown sooner.
Before the second test on the next Wednesday, I have been asking for prayers from my pastor and church. It is to said that prayers are powerful and I know it is. Also, this verse have been very true to me, Trust in the Lord with all your heart, in all your ways submit to him and he will make your path straight. I held on to this verse , making sure I will remember it so that I will not get nervous during the test, and that I will go through everything well with His guidance. I really really really submitted all onto His hands.
Ps. Though I want to bribe as much as everybody, I never did because I trusted Him.
At the end of the day, I failed. Again. Of all places I failed the slope again. I was so angry and upset. I couldn't believe I just wasted another RM200 again?! This time it wasn't the nervousness nor the line problem. I did everything well until I was suppose to go down the slope. Somehow the meter wasn't right and I told the JPJ people (the person examining me) about it , which I wish had never say anything. They did not care nor bother and of course... I went backwards and the man came to me and said, you failed. I WAS SO ANGRY, FUCKING ANGRY. I explained / argued /( I don't know which) to them but obviously ..how can I win? Who am I? Datin? No.
I was really really upset, angry at myself, at God , at the shitty car, at the shitty rude people. I literally cried a whole river when I reached back to the seat.( It never stop till I sleep that night, continued while writing this ) I was really upset about God. The fact that I put my trust into God hands and all, things still didn't turn out straight but then I told myself, there is a reason why God do not want me to pass yet. Maybe He wanted me to be safe because if I start driving sooner, touchwood something might go wrong or He just want me to know that not all the time He will answer prayers right away. It could also be that Satan is trying to make me stray away from God further and no matter what, I will NEVER EVER be apart from God because He is still true.
Though times I really don't know if making up my own analysis is Good or Bad because every single time I say.. '' I think.... '' My father will say this is one very bad habit of mine. He does not like it . Wait sorry, everyone does not like it. So it's very frustrating, does this mean I should think that even with my trust in the Lord, He made me fail because I was never meant to pass? I was never meant a winner? Just wow, wow at all the negativity. What could I do? I'm still human.. where's the support when I need to? Without it, all I could think of is I am no good. Which is painful to think of.
My father is really odd sometimes. I don't even know if I should take his sympathy because at the end of every sympathy, there is always a turn around that shoots me back saying that I am wrong. At the end of the day, all I know is I am always wrong and I will ask myself, am I the worst person on earth? because all the things he says makes me a person that isn't meant to be an ordinary human. I am rude, I always say ' I think..'' or always uncertain like 'I don't know... maybe..'.
I wished I could be the perfect human that no one could find fault in me. Every human isn't perfect, that's what the world says. My parents and my sister, they are not perfect too. But I guess my imperfection is the worst. (You see, I just used the word I guess. FML.) Sometimes I just don't understand why would people even be friends with me if I'm this horrible. People usually ignores and talk behind the backs of the odd ones.